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much too big to be a lapdog

by young adult fiction

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1.
your blood ran baby blue and i know that cmon baby blue blood, we have guests to entertain!
2.
you wore your mortarboard like a hangnail as your mother drove as back to a house you didn’t live but still got mail you said you forgot the black and white of the skies outside of town we laid on the roof and watched the minutes stack nobody’s waiting for me as i walk in alone your picture portraits smile down the hall your mother laughs and tells me that she’s glad to have me back she can’t reach the highest cupboard, but i’m tall enough for that lost and found in a cap and gown floating face down so i hope you're loving with a love you've never known i hope you're happy as a kid playing with a hose and ocean ocean ocean i'll beat you in the end, see i'm gonna lay down in the dog park and never walk again lost and found in a cap and gown never coming out well i’m back out on the roof now and I know I know know fighting in three feet of water will lay you down i got your message yesterday so i’m laying in the clouds i’m living in the freezer and i’m never coming out
3.
lying on the sidewalk and playing in the road we smoked a head of cabbage then laid down in the road i wake up with a rosary in my mouth i'm sucking the cross i spit it out and polish it with the tongue i though i'd lost so come on back to bed babe if everyday is april fools don't have to show up to work and why put on the coffee if todays another joke? laying on the sidewalk and playing in the road we smoked a head of cabbage then laid down in the road (well i smoked a lot of cigarettes when i found out that god was dead but i guess i'm glad i heard sooner than later because smoking hurts and sleeping kills and my friend benny pays my bills so i don't mind sleeping in the refrigerator
4.
living in a bathrobe, chewing gum in new york you promised me this, "it wont hurt, it wont hurt" living in a bathrobe, chewing gum in new york what's the point if i can't come in first? i'm downing pills in a perfect world of hurt what part of six or seven nights alone has my body rejecting everything i feed it? and what point of six or seven nights alone has me drinking away the part of me that needs it? you're out there somewhere in new york city spending all your money on coke and parking ticket and you're not sure what hit you but you're pretty sure you'll sober up in just a minute you're downing pills in a perfect world of hurt ... perhaps champagne vomit in the trashcan?
5.
jackolantern 01:41
a mouth opens up in the earth and spits out her mouthful of dirt i lift and i lower my skirt for this handsome old mouth in the earth she speaks in the strangest of tongues as wet heat churns up from her lungs she opens her eyes and she tries and he tries and at once the whole world starts to hum it’s funny how quickly it happened her smile’s as wide as manhattan she turns on her side, and he fixes her eyes, on the sun, and we’re deafened by laughter we line up before this old man one by one two my two we stand and he opens back up and he sings so one by one two by two we climb in strange ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ ‎‏‏ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ now ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ to ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ think ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ of you ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ gone
6.
the shallows 02:22
my mind is on the shallows and my stomachs full of hair. so picture me laughing at the bottom of the stairs. i can't make this clear enough: i'm barely there. you stuck an apple in my mouth before you got onto that plane so picture me shaking at the baggage claim --- your blood ran bb blue and i know that i know that
7.
I’ve got bruises on the soles of my feet i’ve still got blood on my sheets from when we played hate hey happy birthday i didn’t get you anything except these secrets that you could keep i can hear your, talking in your sleep talking about teeth are you talking to me? i'm pretty good at multitasking because i can hold a conversation about how i'm doing just fine while i pick apart my hands iwishyoucouldsee how small i think i am
8.
the way down 03:13
cut my hair into the sink my golden gate my free for all sunday at the ice rink you're far too fast, i'm far too tall i can't wait until my bones ache when it rains when it rains down here this is the waydown this is the waywayway down this is the waydown look now i’ve got to go sit in my room alone count my teeth with my tongue counting sighs from my black lung shaking like a thief singing like a holy crow this basement smells like bad weed i’d rather be passed out in the snow i want to be cold this is the way down
9.
the static sleeps inside my head wake up and lay the heat to rest sleeping in always felt best until the static started ringing out my chest if you know what i need why do you still feed me? that is a mystery so great it can be heard in the humming of a television screen why am i so intent on such a shiny soapbox when i'm the one who's wrong most of the time hey, narcissus, get in line -- you say that your life is in ruins which leaves me in doubt of if I'm living at all or just reading aloud from a book someone wrote about laughing and kissing with a glossary in the back but the term "love" is missing you say "god knows what the spring will bring maybe I'll crash my car cause I'm looking at your face in the rearview mirror it won't roll too far just long enough to take the breath out our lungs, skew the mirror, crack the glass but none of that has happened yet so let's wait to see what will pass" sister ray tells you to shake a tambourine in the back of a speeding van headed to a place we'd never seen we'll make eyes across the room you'll get glitter in your wounds wince it out, dance about, burn the sage turn the page take a few turn the page, break the lace, take a few, tear the sage, pick the sage, break me too
10.
old soul 01:34
last night i got in a fight with a pint glass neither of us won he's in pieces and i already was i have this neighbor, a rat that lives inside my skull once in a while he'll peer from out my sockets if he sees that we're alone he'll climb from nerve to nerve like a cable car perch himself on the crown of my mind and plug in he's up there now tangled in wires he's teaching me how to sing how to let someone else in i always knew i could take it on the chin
11.
12.
every winter seasons my skin jaundiced and brittle, the cold still seeps right in my body’s scar tissue, getting thicker can’t wait until i can’t feel anything have you heard the good news? a cowboy with black nail polish, a woman with an iron fist,a beatnik with a lisp, picture this: a junkie with a a bucket list, two lovers with a tryst, a martyr with a bleeding lip, a lowlife with a fifth, picture this: a scene without a script, a girl working third shift, a drunkard playing pickup sticks, a kid with a permission slip, picture this a debutante with no interest a mime with a nervous tick, a senses starved barbiturate a holy rolling arsonist, a dying man living in bliss, a broken boned contortionist, a morphine-addict masochist a dry mouthed dj fell and tripped a story with a twist, a prophet who does not exist, a little boy blowing a kiss, a swing and a miss i swing and i miss

about

thanks to... colin! pat! gabe! aspen! gabriel! jordan! jordan! jordan! grace! jack! elizabeth! marco! chandler! hannah! all of whom aided the creative process or more generally maintained my will to live. coincidence?

all tracks written, recorded, preformed, mixed and mastered by me, save for the lil ditty at the end of nyc which is from 'goodnight irene' by lead belly. the verse used is the epigraph to my longtime favorite novel 'sometimes a great notion'. my wonderful friend hannah did a lot of vocals for me here too, any singing that isn't me is done by her. the album cover was a doodle on the whiteboard of my house done by haydar amin, my muse.

samples include: lacroix and me talking to copper (dog) because it was pouring rain and he was scared, my sister aspen reads the samples on cabbage patch and jockolantern, gabriel marie talks in the background of nyc, on "the way down" an attendant on a flight back from denver welcomes us to detroit, fog horn on boycott december was recorded next to a vending machine outside of a tiny fire department somewhere south of san francisco at like three or four in the morning.

most tracks were recorded between august and october of 2019, largely in jordan westcott's basement, my bedroom at linder, and i'm pretty sure the way down was recorded in cross street coffee after close one night in february. everything was recorded using a sony tcm-353v, a tascam 424, my phone, and garageband. (lol)

god loves the hungry more than the few. "i'm running out of ideas." "welcome home." have you heard the good news? there's more to you than moxie. all the neon in alaska lit up the sky last night. here at the end of the ninth world, in anticipation of the tenth, i'll sleep when i'm dead and i'll stay awake til then.

credits

released November 22, 2019

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young adult fiction Ypsilanti, Michigan

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